This has been the most challenging month yet (as every month as been so far). I haven't been sleeping, I have been sick, I am anxious about my future, I am sad about closing this chapter of my life, my car was stolen, my resolve tested, and I've had challenges in many relationships that matter enough to me that I can't just run away.
So let's flash back.
May 20, 2011. My little brother married the love of his life. Anyone who has been single in their mid-twenties (not by choice) knows what I mean when I say that I was OVERJOYED for them, had a great time at the wedding, and then came home and wanted to crawl into a hole and cry. I didn't do that, I had a good time with single sisters and cousins and ate way too much food. There was so much food in our house! It was a good weekend until it wasn't.
Allison (my older sister) and I knew that we'd have a little bit of a struggle with being old and unloved that weekend, so I planned a getaway for us. We drove to a cute little hotel in downtown Georgetown where we planned to get gourmet cupcakes, walk cute cobbled streets, eat at a snazzy restaurant, get all dolled up and enjoy a night in the city.... It was going to be perfect and refreshing. But I underestimated the power of bitterness and envy in my heart.
The weekend was a disaster. My car broke down in the middle of the road in the middle of DC. RIGHT when we got there. I tried to handle it like a pro, and all in my own strength. I let the cute doorman call a tow truck, and I went ahead and resolved to enjoy the night and deal with the car when I heard my options. I was excited about putting on a pretty dress and having a blast with my sister (we'll call this denial). Well, we went and got 2 dozen cupcakes. I paid for the hotel. Allison's bad mood was worse than mine, and I got even MADDER when I felt like she was ruining my time (and I was the one who was paying for everything AND had a car problem!).
So let's flash back.
May 20, 2011. My little brother married the love of his life. Anyone who has been single in their mid-twenties (not by choice) knows what I mean when I say that I was OVERJOYED for them, had a great time at the wedding, and then came home and wanted to crawl into a hole and cry. I didn't do that, I had a good time with single sisters and cousins and ate way too much food. There was so much food in our house! It was a good weekend until it wasn't.
Allison (my older sister) and I knew that we'd have a little bit of a struggle with being old and unloved that weekend, so I planned a getaway for us. We drove to a cute little hotel in downtown Georgetown where we planned to get gourmet cupcakes, walk cute cobbled streets, eat at a snazzy restaurant, get all dolled up and enjoy a night in the city.... It was going to be perfect and refreshing. But I underestimated the power of bitterness and envy in my heart.
The weekend was a disaster. My car broke down in the middle of the road in the middle of DC. RIGHT when we got there. I tried to handle it like a pro, and all in my own strength. I let the cute doorman call a tow truck, and I went ahead and resolved to enjoy the night and deal with the car when I heard my options. I was excited about putting on a pretty dress and having a blast with my sister (we'll call this denial). Well, we went and got 2 dozen cupcakes. I paid for the hotel. Allison's bad mood was worse than mine, and I got even MADDER when I felt like she was ruining my time (and I was the one who was paying for everything AND had a car problem!).
We ended up getting chipotle for dinner (WE CAME ALL THE WAY UP HERE FOR CHIPOTLE?!?), and then we watched basic cable in a hotel room. The next day consisted of a short walk through some lovely streets and a lot of dealing with a car. It wouldn't be fixed until Wednesday, Allison had to be at work on Monday, I needed to rent a car and neither of us had credit cards. (SERIOUSLY? I try to be responsible with my finances and then not using a credit card means I am stranded in a city with a grumpy sister, a terrible attitude, and a desperate desire for a husband who would come save the day). I was bitter that my grandpa had to drive down from Maryland and rent the car for me.
I know what you are thinking. My grandpa came and saved the day and I was complaining? Well, yes, I was. I wanted to fix it myself. I'm much more appreciative in hindsight...I was so consumed with making sure I looked like I was being mature while everything inside of me was falling apart. It was a bad day, even though I completed all of the things I needed to complete, thanked the right people, etc.
After getting the car, I drove Allison home. I remember two things from this day, but I wrote it all down in a journal somewhere and I know there was more.
1. The cupcakes fell on the floor of the rental car. My cupcakes. And I was so mad at Allison because it was all her fault (in my mind).
2. I-81 was closed, and I had to take a detour that added about 15 minutes to my drive home.
The second one is where I snapped. I started screaming and yelling and crying. I think Allison wanted to kill me. I completely lost it. This tiny inconvenience was proof that the entire world was against me, and life was just not fair.
I ended up having to drive back up to DC to return the rental and get my car and that required getting up at about 3 am....and getting lost...and...realizing that I left my favorite opal and diamond ring at the hotel. I never recovered the ring, and I was upset about that weekend for a really long time. I was not an adult.
And that was not a rare event. Stupid stuff keeps happening. Over and over and over again, my patience is tested, I have to choose to rely on God instead of my own strength. And I don't always do that. Lots of times I have a pity party, tell God he's mean and that he should go pick on some other person because I don't deserve this crap (because you haven't given me a husband, because remember how rotten my sophomore year was? You still owe me for that one..., because I already learned this lesson, I could go on forever...)
I know what you are thinking. My grandpa came and saved the day and I was complaining? Well, yes, I was. I wanted to fix it myself. I'm much more appreciative in hindsight...I was so consumed with making sure I looked like I was being mature while everything inside of me was falling apart. It was a bad day, even though I completed all of the things I needed to complete, thanked the right people, etc.
After getting the car, I drove Allison home. I remember two things from this day, but I wrote it all down in a journal somewhere and I know there was more.
1. The cupcakes fell on the floor of the rental car. My cupcakes. And I was so mad at Allison because it was all her fault (in my mind).
2. I-81 was closed, and I had to take a detour that added about 15 minutes to my drive home.
The second one is where I snapped. I started screaming and yelling and crying. I think Allison wanted to kill me. I completely lost it. This tiny inconvenience was proof that the entire world was against me, and life was just not fair.
I ended up having to drive back up to DC to return the rental and get my car and that required getting up at about 3 am....and getting lost...and...realizing that I left my favorite opal and diamond ring at the hotel. I never recovered the ring, and I was upset about that weekend for a really long time. I was not an adult.
And that was not a rare event. Stupid stuff keeps happening. Over and over and over again, my patience is tested, I have to choose to rely on God instead of my own strength. And I don't always do that. Lots of times I have a pity party, tell God he's mean and that he should go pick on some other person because I don't deserve this crap (because you haven't given me a husband, because remember how rotten my sophomore year was? You still owe me for that one..., because I already learned this lesson, I could go on forever...)
My mom said that maybe the May debacle happened to help prepare me for Africa. I said "oh, right, bad crap happens to prepare me for more bad crap. Thanks for the encouragement. I can't wait to be a master of CRAP!" (or something equally snarky and immature). I think maybe she meant "When bad things happen, the pride and bitterness and complete self-centeredness of your heart are highlighted, and by removing those bit by bit you'll be better prepared to use the good and rely on God in Africa." And I think she was dead on.
Back to this month. My car got stolen. I had youth with me, no air-time on my phone, no idea what the phone number for the rental company OR the police were, and an overwhelming awareness of how I could NOT afford this right now. And no bitterness came. No terror, no helplessness. Just a "well, I guess my weekend isn't going to look the way I had planned after all." and a "God, help me to handle this graciously."
I let other people help me. Lots of people. I only cried once (in my car, with a homeless person at the window. His face was priceless...) even though it was a tortuous weekend full of a rental company who wouldn't help me, police that didn't even allow me to report the car for 3 days and a replacement car that wouldn't start the next morning. Oh, and I threw up twice on Sunday.
It was a weekend to rival the one in May, and while my family saw some of my raw emotions and might question the truth of this statement (I confess, I did ask my mom "Why does this stuff keep happening to me?"), I trusted God to take care of this. On a real, deep level. I rested in that, and it was okay. I heard myself telling people that it's just a car, and complications are a normal part of life. No big deal. And I realized I wasn't faking it. I was mostly concerned about the finances, and so I sat down and told God that I knew that he was my provider and that I was going to just move forward and trust him, and that I really don't want to sound pathetic but please don't make me be homeless or dependent or what seems to be a life failure. Amen. :)
I found myself giving more that weekend because I was more aware of the way it feels to not have what you need. I shared the gospel with a lady at the police station on Monday (when I shouldn't have had to be there) and there are now 3 people signed up for next month's course because my car got stolen and the police were incompetent all weekend. I got a generous, random financial gift in February, because "God said so. I guess he knows why.", and I didn't find out about it until 3 days after my car was stolen. God pre-paid my car theft. That's awesome, but the more awesome part for me was that I trusted him before he came through this time, and I acted on that by continuing to give from what I didn't think I had. I trusted without realizing that he had already provided all of my needs. Of COURSE he was faithful, but I counted on it this time.
My car got stolen. I learned that I DO trust God, that I believe he uses circumstances in ways that are so far over my head, that a giving heart is better than one full of bitterness, that I have a say in which heart I have, that I'm no longer too proud to look for help, and that I expect troubles to come now. That I don't see a bad day as a punishment, but I see it as growing pains. I see it as a worthwhile part of life.
Back to this month. My car got stolen. I had youth with me, no air-time on my phone, no idea what the phone number for the rental company OR the police were, and an overwhelming awareness of how I could NOT afford this right now. And no bitterness came. No terror, no helplessness. Just a "well, I guess my weekend isn't going to look the way I had planned after all." and a "God, help me to handle this graciously."
I let other people help me. Lots of people. I only cried once (in my car, with a homeless person at the window. His face was priceless...) even though it was a tortuous weekend full of a rental company who wouldn't help me, police that didn't even allow me to report the car for 3 days and a replacement car that wouldn't start the next morning. Oh, and I threw up twice on Sunday.
It was a weekend to rival the one in May, and while my family saw some of my raw emotions and might question the truth of this statement (I confess, I did ask my mom "Why does this stuff keep happening to me?"), I trusted God to take care of this. On a real, deep level. I rested in that, and it was okay. I heard myself telling people that it's just a car, and complications are a normal part of life. No big deal. And I realized I wasn't faking it. I was mostly concerned about the finances, and so I sat down and told God that I knew that he was my provider and that I was going to just move forward and trust him, and that I really don't want to sound pathetic but please don't make me be homeless or dependent or what seems to be a life failure. Amen. :)
I found myself giving more that weekend because I was more aware of the way it feels to not have what you need. I shared the gospel with a lady at the police station on Monday (when I shouldn't have had to be there) and there are now 3 people signed up for next month's course because my car got stolen and the police were incompetent all weekend. I got a generous, random financial gift in February, because "God said so. I guess he knows why.", and I didn't find out about it until 3 days after my car was stolen. God pre-paid my car theft. That's awesome, but the more awesome part for me was that I trusted him before he came through this time, and I acted on that by continuing to give from what I didn't think I had. I trusted without realizing that he had already provided all of my needs. Of COURSE he was faithful, but I counted on it this time.
My car got stolen. I learned that I DO trust God, that I believe he uses circumstances in ways that are so far over my head, that a giving heart is better than one full of bitterness, that I have a say in which heart I have, that I'm no longer too proud to look for help, and that I expect troubles to come now. That I don't see a bad day as a punishment, but I see it as growing pains. I see it as a worthwhile part of life.
I think I can finally admit that I think I am an adult. I
And that's just one of the 4 major realizations this month has brought. It's been a long 2 weeks. :)
I can't wait to see what the rest of the month has in store!
And that's just one of the 4 major realizations this month has brought. It's been a long 2 weeks. :)
I can't wait to see what the rest of the month has in store!