It is amazing how complicated it can be to communicate simple things to people. Today I am about to punch someone in the face over highlighters. Highlighters? Yea. Something's not right.
Language barriers aside, this week I have been failing in the most impressive of ways. I've managed to intentionally hit a man with a car, force a woman to dig through my trash can, hide inside my locked office while ignoring the people knocking and looking for me, eat ants, and say inappropriately rude things to a (complete stranger) woman about my perception of her husband.
And that doesn't even touch the completely appalling things that I have thought, or said in a snarky voice to myself as soon as someone left the room. Or the ranting e-mails I've written to myself (passive aggressive much?) so that I wouldn't say it to someone else.
This week I am a bear. A really angry bear. With a tension headache from the clenched jaw that will not. let. go.
I could blame it on a ton of external things. I am legitimately stressed and my time/money/life/needs/feelings/opinion is/are being completely ignored and trampled on by a lot of people right now. I am getting sick, Tim has been out for 3 weeks, I am on a diet, I am trying to make major life decisions...and everyone wants something from me.
But even if I am being spread thin, I am really disappointed in myself. Because when I get spread thin, there are some really ugly chunks that stand out.
How is it that I can STILL be so quick to get irritated with people? I can sit here at my desk and know, completely know, that every single one of these people with the ridiculous needs are more important than me getting everything off of my to-do list.
I know that I can say "I will do that when I get the time, but it will NOT be today". I can say "NO YOU CANNOT TAKE MY SHOES" (down two pairs just this week)! I don't have to give away everything I own just because someone said "you are supposed to offer it to me since I said I like it". I don't have to run out to the store 5 times a day (and spend all of my money...) just because other people haven't planned ahead, and think that American = moneybags. But I do it anyway because it seems like I am supposed to. And then I get bitter.
Yes I do need to work on my boundaries, and I still haven't learned how to say no.
But why don't I want to give, or to serve people? Why can't I choose to make my actions in the moment reflect the love that I know I should have, or that I do have theoretically when the actual people stay away from me? Where did this selfishness come from?
I am incredibly disappointed by my lack of long-suffering, my lack of compassion in spite of frustration, and my 2-year old "MINE" mentality. All of these have been springing up with a vengeance this week.
I'm never going to be done with the refining, and that is discouraging. I sure hope next week is less of a train wreck than this one, and I am sure grateful for unending grace. Because I used up a big helping this week.
"But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain."
- 1 Corinthians 15: 57-58
Random Thoughts:
1. What I wouldn't give for a piano right now...
2. Nothing quite like getting an e-mail offering a post for your dream job and seeing those little words "seeking immediate" when you are definitely not immediately available.
3. I don't love eating ants.
4. I don't take good pictures. At all. Which makes sending one to the mission committee a very difficult task. Especially when there aren't any cameras available besides phones.
5. Just found out that the 30 dollars I spent buying bulk texting credits so that my co-workers could text all of the graduates (even though at least half have zero interaction with us...) to bring a friend to an open house was a complete waste as they listed the date as Feb 25th instead of Jan. 25th. (how do you even do that?) And so now we get to send it out to all of them AGAIN!! And I need to get them more credits RIGHT NOW. Woohoo!!! Good thing is, I can laugh. Because clearly God is laughing at me.
6. Other good thing is, I no longer have to smile my way through an open house.
7. The Princess Diaries is probably the best movie ever.
8. I have NOT been having repeat dreams about meeting prince Harry.....?
9-100: You should probably pray for me, that I'll be able to use this weekend the right way - to deal with what's really going on inside me. I'm not sure I want to, but I definitely need to.
Language barriers aside, this week I have been failing in the most impressive of ways. I've managed to intentionally hit a man with a car, force a woman to dig through my trash can, hide inside my locked office while ignoring the people knocking and looking for me, eat ants, and say inappropriately rude things to a (complete stranger) woman about my perception of her husband.
And that doesn't even touch the completely appalling things that I have thought, or said in a snarky voice to myself as soon as someone left the room. Or the ranting e-mails I've written to myself (passive aggressive much?) so that I wouldn't say it to someone else.
This week I am a bear. A really angry bear. With a tension headache from the clenched jaw that will not. let. go.
I could blame it on a ton of external things. I am legitimately stressed and my time/money/life/needs/feelings/opinion is/are being completely ignored and trampled on by a lot of people right now. I am getting sick, Tim has been out for 3 weeks, I am on a diet, I am trying to make major life decisions...and everyone wants something from me.
But even if I am being spread thin, I am really disappointed in myself. Because when I get spread thin, there are some really ugly chunks that stand out.
How is it that I can STILL be so quick to get irritated with people? I can sit here at my desk and know, completely know, that every single one of these people with the ridiculous needs are more important than me getting everything off of my to-do list.
I know that I can say "I will do that when I get the time, but it will NOT be today". I can say "NO YOU CANNOT TAKE MY SHOES" (down two pairs just this week)! I don't have to give away everything I own just because someone said "you are supposed to offer it to me since I said I like it". I don't have to run out to the store 5 times a day (and spend all of my money...) just because other people haven't planned ahead, and think that American = moneybags. But I do it anyway because it seems like I am supposed to. And then I get bitter.
Yes I do need to work on my boundaries, and I still haven't learned how to say no.
But why don't I want to give, or to serve people? Why can't I choose to make my actions in the moment reflect the love that I know I should have, or that I do have theoretically when the actual people stay away from me? Where did this selfishness come from?
I am incredibly disappointed by my lack of long-suffering, my lack of compassion in spite of frustration, and my 2-year old "MINE" mentality. All of these have been springing up with a vengeance this week.
I'm never going to be done with the refining, and that is discouraging. I sure hope next week is less of a train wreck than this one, and I am sure grateful for unending grace. Because I used up a big helping this week.
"But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain."
- 1 Corinthians 15: 57-58
Random Thoughts:
1. What I wouldn't give for a piano right now...
2. Nothing quite like getting an e-mail offering a post for your dream job and seeing those little words "seeking immediate" when you are definitely not immediately available.
3. I don't love eating ants.
4. I don't take good pictures. At all. Which makes sending one to the mission committee a very difficult task. Especially when there aren't any cameras available besides phones.
5. Just found out that the 30 dollars I spent buying bulk texting credits so that my co-workers could text all of the graduates (even though at least half have zero interaction with us...) to bring a friend to an open house was a complete waste as they listed the date as Feb 25th instead of Jan. 25th. (how do you even do that?) And so now we get to send it out to all of them AGAIN!! And I need to get them more credits RIGHT NOW. Woohoo!!! Good thing is, I can laugh. Because clearly God is laughing at me.
6. Other good thing is, I no longer have to smile my way through an open house.
7. The Princess Diaries is probably the best movie ever.
8. I have NOT been having repeat dreams about meeting prince Harry.....?
9-100: You should probably pray for me, that I'll be able to use this weekend the right way - to deal with what's really going on inside me. I'm not sure I want to, but I definitely need to.