Bear with me for this post - it is pretty much impossible for me to convey how impossibly challenging this week has been for me, but I am going to try. But stick through to the end because that is the part that makes me sound a LITTLE bit less pathetic.
The team showed up on Saturday night but I didn't see them until Sunday. We did church and a lot of team prep and we cut out a trillion paper fish and my thumb is still tingling a week later. No lie. Lefty vs. Scissors fail.
We spent all week at Mokone Primary School in Langa, doing a Holiday Club in the morning and doing and "English Teaching" Bible class in the afternoon. Now I have been working here for more than 2 months, but I have never wanted to not be near kids more than I did this past week. I was the snack moderator. That means I was basically yelling at kids all week. I HATE being the mom. Everyone else gets to have fun, and I get to be firm, and yell at kids in Xhosa. And wash hundreds of cups with cold water at a public tap, with rats.
I am going to go ahead and blame the whole attitude problem on how I was getting sick. I've had a non-stop headache since Tuesday. Right now I am pretty sure there are little men in my head doing terrible things to me. But Thursday is where it got rough. See, Zach says the team has to get up "VERY EARLY (7:45)". Ha. I have been getting up before 6. I have things to do you know...then I drive my friend Cynthia to work, and then I get to the church. This fine Thursday, I woke up and was SICK. Breathing? Not happening. Killer cough, pounding headache, charlie horse in my shoulder blade? Yea. It was rough. I had a big day ahead, though. My afternoon English group had stolen biscuits out of Tim's car. He had laid down a punishment - they are not getting any snack today. But I have been teaching about forgiveness, and Thursday - the last day with these kids - was the day of presenting the gospel. A lot of these kids are very hungry! So I had stayed up late the night before writing a note and verse for each of these 20-30 kids, and filling up a goodie bag with a "gift" that I was going to give them after I explained forgiveness and grace. Great thought. Took forever...BUT. I woke up and knew that as sick as I felt, God was planning to use me that day. Great.
So I went to take Cynthia to work and found out that my car had been broken into and someone had stolen all of the stuff that my mom sent me from America. Let's be real - it was just some clothes and a bunch of junk food (mac and cheese mix, bisquick, chocolate chips) and cosmetics. But I felt so very vulnerable and victimized and just unsettled. I quickly gave myself a pep talk and it didn't help much. I tried just adopting the attitude that I will eventually have about it, but I felt really SAD. I wanted those razor blades, the note from my Gravitate friends....so I decided to skip the team time in the morning and just meet them at Langa and go home and listen to some music and cheer myself up.
I got home at 8:20 only to find that the awesome security gate at my place had a dead battery and I was hopelessly locked out of my own house. At this point, like any mature adult, I was tempted to curl up in a ball in the middle of the road and just cry and wait for death to come. I mean, I was SICK. I have been ROBBED. I am locked out of my house! This is not fair. Either God has some big plans for this afternoon or I am just supposed to quit. I decided to keep trying. I went to my friend Cynthia's place to take a nap. It seemed like the best option given the explosion in my head. I couldn't sleep, but my attitude improved, I got over myself, and at noon I ventured out to face the thieving little boys.
My car battery is dead.
Right.
ARE YOU FREAKING SERIOUS!?!?!?!
Attitude back to terrible.
Leslie said she would come get me and then we could deal with my car later.
Do you even know how vulnerable I felt? I had my purse, and the gift bags for these kids That is all. Keys to a dead car, keys to a dead house, and my wallet. Well, and a knife. That was reassuring.
Leslie came to get me and we showed up late for the afternoon class which really stressful for me. I HATE being late. I also hate having no buffer time between two things. But I think the class was a resounding success. I was somehow able to explain that they are all terrible people while still saying that there is hope. I think that that class of students KNOWS that I love them, individually and by name, and that I am going to be coming around and spending time with them because I want what is best for them in the long run, not because I am a biscuit moderator. We went through the gospel message and they each took home an "evangi-cross" that they made themselves - it is kinda cool. It folds around and basically goes through the gospel in 4 verses, with pictures. Several of the kids came and thanked me after class. Now, they are clearly still broken little children, but I think that God taught me SO much through persevering through a whole lot of aggravation to be faithful to what I know He was telling me to do. I stuck through the whole night - and God gave me a chance to use one of my more embarrassing life failures to speak truth to a girl.
Sam Miller and Glen Kisela broke into my house, started my car, and got my life back under control. Mrs. Miller gave me a mommy hug. And Leslie still hasn't stopped hounding me about going to the doctor.
All in all, a good ending to a rough day.
And you had better believe that I fully intended to go home and shirk off all responsibilities and sleep until this headache went away.
Friday I was sicker. I read Lamentations and Ecclesiastes (drama queen much? I really do feel miserable) and told myself I could go back to sleep. God obviously wanted me to take it easy. I made a mistake. I checked facebook on my phone. Top post - "Be strong, all you people of the land" declares the Lord, "and work. For I am with you".
Well crap.
Up I got, and to Holiday Club, and to Safari (where I literally slept for maybe 2 hours all night). I felt terrible the whole time and I don't know why I thought I had to do it. But I did, and I succeeded. And I saw hippos. God is good to me. I still plan to go find a doctor if I wake up tomorrow feeling as wretched as today, but overall, God showed me that it is not about my strength. He will provide what I need. He has given me joy in all circumstances. I have been walking an easy road here, and I have seen God fill my heart to overflowing. This week wasn't so easy but the same gratitude and joy flood my soul. Even with a bad attitude, I never lost the drive to fight. That's not me.
Insane.
Please do be praying for me next week, though. We go to Gugulethu, which is poverty at its worst. Pray that the team will not be afraid or discouraged. Pray that when we go house to house to help people, the team will have boldness. It seems like going to an old lady's place and offering to fetch her some water would be the easiest thing in the world, but the second you see the way she is living, all thoughts leave your brain. I have a feeling I will be doing a lot of speaking, which is fine but would certainly be easier if my throat wasn't raw. Or if the little men would leave my brain.
Also, pray that I'll have a chance to use Xhosa. Because it's cool.
Random thoughts:
- It is so cold here right now. I feel like a wimp. But I would rather be freezing cold than to have spent the past week in my parent's hot hot home.
- Leslie says YOLO.
- The "medicine" here is weak. WEAK I tell you. Nyquill is my hero, and I don't want to live without him ever again. What is wrong with this country?
- I have a friend who may be the death of me. He says I need to learn how to let people serve me. To be honest, it doesn't seem like a great thing to learn...I'm lazy enough as it is.
- You can get 30 huge delicious oranges for $1.50. That's all I'm ever eating anymore.
- This isn't racist - this is fact: Black people have the smoothest most wonderful skin ever. EVER. Like silk. I would like to steal Yolisa's face, specifically, and use it for stress therapy. It feels better than anything, ever. Call me a creeper, and I'll just dare you to touch her face and say anything different.
Also I miss my family. Seeing the Millers all hanging out together and spending time with people who know them all makes me think about them a lot and just want family time. My family is awesome, especially when we are all together. If you are an awesome guy who wants an awesome family, let me know. I have three sisters. ;)